What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu Read online

  UNAUSSPRECHLICHEN KULTEN

  Another popular tome, this time created by Lovecraft’s friend, Robert E. Howard. This mysterious volume appears throughout the Mythos. The German name roughly translates to Unspeakable/Nameless Cults—at least that’s what Howard was going for. The book itself focuses on various cults around the world, as well as their practices and rituals. Since most of the Mythos monsters have unspeakable names, it follows that their cult names are equally unpronounceable. So this title works well. Or, it might be that these cults are so notorious, so dangerous, so deadly that it is best to leave their names unspoken. So perhaps it’s best not to write any jingles with names from this book—just in case you get on the bad side of one of the cults. And that’s pretty much that—there isn’t much more to say about Unaussprechlichen Kulten—otherwise it would need to be renamed Speakable Cults.

  THE FACES OF MISKATONIC

  Plenty of notable folks have graced the halls of New England’s most (in)famous university. This section provides a brief description of some of Miskatonic’s more well-known students and faculty, as well as where to find them in this guidebook.

  HENRY ARMITAGE

  Henry Armitage served as the head librarian at Miskatonic University for many years. He delved into the university’s copy of the Necronomicon on occasion. Maybe a few too many times. He was a fount of knowledge in his day, and has become a legend in the Mythos. Read more about Armitage in the Dunwich chapter.

  ALBERT WILMARTH

  Professor of Literature at Miskatonic, and debunker of legends regarding strange, crab-like flying creatures spotted in Vermont. Although his debunking skills turn suspect when he actually encounters the crab-like race called the Mi-Go. Wilmarth’s adventures appear in the More Mythos Monsters chapter.

  PROFESSOR WILLIAM DYER

  This geology professor directed the unfortunate Pabodie Expedition to Antarctica. The Pabodie Expedition is covered later in this chapter. You’re not quite ready for that yet.

  But if you really want to skip ahead, there is a Miskatonic Expeditions section just a few pages from this spot.

  HERBERT WEST

  One of Miskatonic University’s most famous medical students is Herbert West. He is well known for a number of risky experiments—notably his experiments on the dead. Or, perhaps better put, once he was done experimenting with them, the not-so-dead, “undead.” Read more about Herbert West in the Need a Doctor? Section of this chapter. And honestly, don’t go skipping around these pages too much. A little information in the wrong order can spell disaster. Of all people, Herbert West can testify to that.

  WALTER GILMAN

  Walter was a Miskatonic student specializing in non-Euclidean calculus and quantum physics (it just sounds thrilling already). As a student, he decided to room at the local boarding-house, cleverly dubbed the Witch House (Walter obviously didn’t give much thought to names). For more details on how that adventure went down (although you can probably guess it didn’t end up good for Walter), visit the Where to Stay in Arkham section in this chapter.

  WHAT TO ASK WHEN YOU

  INTERVIEW FOR A UNIVERSITY

  Have any strange colors have been seen in the town? (If the answer is “yes,” ask: Just what is a strange color?”)

  Are there any dead people walking the streets? (I mean “dead” as in zombies, not the type of dead drifting around malls—then again . . .)

  Do you have a copy of the Necronomicon? (Anyone with a copy can’t be trusted, so this means that if the university has a copy, either “yes” or “no” as an answer are equally dangerous. Really, who would admit to having a copy? And if someone does, then the person is clearly insane. If someone lies and says, “no,” well, then he or she knows you know about the book, and the end result is likely to be death or torture or sacrifice—on your part. This means you need to study the person’s face when he or she answers. You’ll find the truth there. A confused expression is mostly likely a “no.” This is a good sign.)

  Are any students enrolled here named Herbert West? (I’ll explain later why this is important. For now, know that it is significant, and it is related to question #2.)

  Describe the psychological state of your dean. Is he:

  dead,

  in an asylum,

  all of the above?

  (Sure, this seems silly, but when looking for a good university, the above answers are important. Above and beyond the strangeness that goes on at Miskatonic University, the academic world is filled with unfathomable, unwritten rules and guidelines that often lead to the death or insanity of a faculty member. Sometimes it leads to the death, reanimation, and then institutionalization of said member. It’s best to get this knowledge up front).

  What is the ratio of local inhabitants who are living in the local asylum, versus those who have not been placed inside the local asylum? (If the number inside the asylum exceeds those outside the asylum, you are probably at Miskatonic University or an Ivy League university—not much difference.)

  Do you have a copy of the Necronomicon? (Just making sure they didn’t lie to you the first time.)

  If you had to put a number to it, how many ghouls live beneath the city? (This is a closed question. It catches a person off guard, forcing a number to pop into his or her mind. Obviously, a sour expression with a counter question of “What are you talking about?” is what you’re looking for.)

  Why does a small college town have an asylum? (Nothing much to elaborate on here. The question isn’t a poser, and a bit self evident.)

  Do the number of graveyards in town exceed the number of car dealerships? (Many people believe there is a link between car dealerships and graveyards. There is no hard evidence to back this up, but as a rule of thumb, any location is better if it has more car dealerships than graveyards. In fact, this might make a good topic of study to consider at the new university: “The Correlation of the Dead and Car Salesmen.” Try pitching that one to your doctoral advisor.)

  RANDOLPH CARTER

  Antiquarian, writer, prophet, and former student of Miskatonic, Randolph Carter bears an uncanny resemblance to H.P. Lovecraft. The numerous adventures of Randolph Carter are detailed throughout this book, and heavily in the Dreamlands section.

  NATHANIEL WINGATE PEASLEE

  A professor of political economy, Peaslee suffered from a five-year case of amnesia—and it wasn’t related to his topic of study. It turns out, his blackouts were more than medical curiosity, or trauma from an overload of statistics and unimaginable laws of economics. You see, Peaslee’s brain was inhabited by a time-travelling creature from the Great Race of Yith. Although this does make one wonder: Why would an alien inhabit a professor of political economy? Anyway, there’s more on Peaslee and his alien companion later in this chapter.

  ASENATH WAITE

  There are few females depicted in H.P. Lovecraft’s fiction. One is an evil witch (think “Witch House”), and the other one is just an evil . . . person. Asenath Waite dabbled in magic and studied medieval metaphysics at Miskatonic before charming fellow Miskatonic graduate Edward Derby into marriage. It turned out Asenath really knew how to get inside someone’s head.

  More on her abilities in the Wife Swap! section in this chapter. Yes, there is a “Wife Swap” section in this book. It just goes to show how forward thinking Lovecraft was—he had the basic premise of the modern reality show decades before they appeared. Or maybe television producers have been reading the writings of H.P. Lovecraft all along. Either way, as I told you, don’t go flipping through the pages too early. The section will arrive soon enough, and who knows what other surprises await before then.

  EDWARD DERBY

  Edward Derby majored in English and French literature at Miskatonic, finished his degree at the early age of nineteen, and then devoted himself to the study of “subterranean magical lore.” At thirty-eight, he met the wicked and alluring Asenath Waite. And again we are at the Wife Swap! Section. I would like to add that literature seems to get a bad rap
in the Cthulhu Mythos—but that isn’t true. After all, Edward went on to study “subterranean magical lore.” I’m certain there’s a pun in there. Anyway, he was clearly finished with literature and looking for a little more adventure.

  ALLEN HALSEY

  Dr. Allen Halsey served as Miskatonic’s dean during Herbert West’s years in medical school. The two quarreled over West’s questionable medical practices regarding dead bodies—is there really a debate there? There’s more on these two in the section Need a Doctor?

  WHERE TO STAY IN ARKHAM

  Of course, the only way to learn about Arkham is to visit Arkham. So the first thing you need is somewhere to stay . . .

  THE WITCH HOUSE

  Reduced to rubble long ago, legends brew about the Witch House boarding house in Arkham. The new boarding house on the site doesn’t have the same charm, but it offers excellent rates. If you room there, make sure to ask for the Gilman Room.

  In “Dreams in the Witch House,” H.P. Lovecraft reveals the unique history of Arkham’s most unique boarding house. The Witch House gains its name from its original inhabitant. Stay with me. You see, Keziah Mason owned the boarding house in the late seventeenth century, until the good people of Salem nabbed her for the Salem Witch Trials (no reality television in those days, so entertainment was live). She readily confessed her witchy ways, but it didn’t much matter. She “inexplicably” escaped from the Salem Gaol not long afterward, leaving the folks in Salem with an abundant supply of angst, branding irons, rope, chains, letters to be stitched onto clothing, and far too much kindling for fires. True, some people claimed that her disappearing act proved she was a witch, but without any active witch hunters, there was little the folks of Salem could do—except to accuse someone else not so witchy, making it easier to follow through with the accusations.

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU SELECT YOUR SCHEDULE AT MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY

  Avoid any class that has non-Euclidean in its title. Think about it. What good can come from studying non-Euclidean geometry? Actually, what good can come from studying Euclidean geometry? Unless you’re one of those engineer-types.

  If you have a class that assigns the Necronomicon, drop it. The class, not the book. You shouldn’t be that close to the book in the first place.

  Find out if the class has a student named Herbert West. If so, drop the class just to be safe.

  If your professor’s last name is Marsh, and the class is on swimming, consider track instead.

  If the dean of your department is in the asylum, consider another department.

  When signing up for class, ask about the rats in the walls. If they say there’s no problem, it’s time to leave.

  If your art class is taught by someone named Pickman, consider taking a pottery course instead.

  If you’ve signed up for a class and learned it will have a field expedition as part of the curriculum, drop it (no one ever survives these expeditions).

  If your major is in Library Studies, consider another major—although don’t make it literature.

  If you’re a Comparative Lit major, and you’re asked to work on the Necronomicon, drop the class. Seriously. You shouldn’t be that close to the Necronomicon. I mean, if you want to study Comparative Literature, you don’t belong at Miskatonic University to begin with. Pick a new major or leave town.

  WALTER GILMAN, MATH STUDENT EXTRAORDINAIRE, STUDENT IN NEED OF LODGING

  While attending Miskatonic studying non-Euclidean calculus and quantum physics, Walter Gilman decided it sounded fun to board at Arkham’s most famous boarding house. Not his smartest decision. Clearly Gilman was book-smart, but not a practical guy—after all, he was excited about boarding in a Witch House.

  Gilman believed Keziah Mason had not been a witch. Instead, she was a misunderstood mathematician who mastered the unusual angles and geometry of her spooky house (typical student of mathematics). This allowed her to travel between dimensions and transcend time.

  Now, since Gilman was a math major, he was likely suffering from Student Syndrome—you know, where every medical student becomes a hypochondriac (well, except for the ones interested in reanimating the dead), and every first-year electrical engineering student lectures incessantly about how electrical circuits work. Well, Gilman obviously wanted to glamorize his field of study, and make it seem more mystical than it really was—honestly, it seemed mystical enough already; remember, Gilman didn’t have a calculator yet. Way too much time on his hands.

  MYTHOS SURVIVAL TIP:

  CHECK THOSE CORNERS!

  Strange angles and arcane geometry appear throughout the Mythos. If you find an item, artifact, room, or even city with strange angles and corners that seem like they don’t obey the natural laws of physics, that’s because they don’t. If you’re wondering what a “strange angle” is, think Salvador Dali or M.C. Escher.

  But back to encountering anything with strange geometry. Drop the item/artifact and escape the room/city as quickly as possible. While prowling through a Dali landscape or an endless Escher stairway seems entertaining on the surface, it isn’t. Nothing good comes of these ventures, and most likely it will end in insanity. Just remember this rule: When in doubt, run!

  Anyway. Gilman found the perfect room in the Witch House, chock-full of weird curves and angles (hmmm). The room, by the way, was easy to snag, since the boarding house’s waiting list was completely empty, due to the house’s high Creepy Factor.

  WEIRDNESS IN THE WITCH HOUSE

  Not surprisingly, Gilman didn’t solve the house’s mysteries. But he did discover more about Keziah Mason when she crept into Gilman’s dreams—a trick Freddy Krueger learned later. Each night, the witch and her unsightly rat-like familiar, Brown Jenkin, visited the student in his slumbers.

  As Gilman’s dreams grew increasingly disturbing, his antsy behavior drew attention. His professors dismissed his nervous behavior to overzealous study habits, urging him to lay off the books for awhile. Think about that one for a minute; his professors thought he was studying too much and urged him to study less. Yet another reason to consider Miskatonic University. Where else can you find professors telling you to have more fun and cool it on the studying?

  Eventually, Gilman found himself entangled in the dream-kidnapping of a young child, who was clearly intended to be sacrificed. His dreams spilled into reality when Gilman read about the kidnapping in the daily paper. And when Gilman deftly thwarted Mason’s attempt to sacrifice the child, Brown Jenkin finished the job for his witch-master.

  Gilman didn’t fare better, his body was discovered in the Witch House not long afterward, heart bored out in a very rat-thing-like fashion.

  Later, the skeletal remains of a rat-like creature, found in the rubble of the demolished boarding house, indicate there may be some truth behind the Witch House rumors. Not to mention tales of scuttling heard in the walls of the new boarding house. And the unsettling feeling, reported by many guests who awaken in the night, that a small, furry creature had just been snuggled against their neck.

  RODENT PROBLEM?

  NO PROBLEM!

  Brown Jenkin, Keziah Mason’s familiar, was sent straight from the devil to do Mason’s dirty work. The furry, white-fanged creature was the size of a rat. But the creature’s face resembled a human’s visage, as did its hands. It subsisted on a diet of Keziah Mason’s blood. Haunting the Witch House, the creature nuzzled up to the guests at night, and apparently nibbled on a few, such as poor Walter Gilman.

  Suddenly, having a rat problem in your house doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

  MEALS INCLUDED

  When traveling to Arkham, be judicious in choosing a place to stay. Not every spot in Arkham is as delightful as the Witch House. For instance, in the tale “The Picture in the House,” a traveler takes a shortcut to Arkham, only to get caught up in a nasty storm. Striving to find cover from the rain, he takes shelter in an abandoned house. Inside, a strange book titled Regnum Congo catches his attention. It contains a disturbing picture from a
butcher’s shop of the Anzique cannibals. That’s right, even cannibals have butcher shops.

  And things didn’t get better for the traveler.

  When an old man shuffled downstairs, the traveler realized the house wasn’t as abandoned as he thought. The elderly fellow appeared friendly enough, but when he saw the Regnum Congo, things turned weird.

  The old man started rambling about the book, the strange Anzique folk, and their cannibalistic ways. All of it gave the old guy a peculiar hankering, he explained, to try something more than just sheep for dinner. But, no worries—he assured the traveler he’d never actually try anything like . . . human flesh. Although the blood dripping from the ceiling seemed to say otherwise.

  THE BLACK MAN

  In addition to Mason and Brown Jenkin, a mysterious figure known as “The Black Man” appeared in Walter Gilman’s dreams. No, Lovecraft wasn’t trying to be politically incorrect, although he was arguably a racist. But in this case, The Black Man is one of the many forms of Nyarlathotep, one of the famous deities of the Cthulhu Mythos.