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  What To Do When You Meet Cthulhu is published by Elder Signs Press, Inc.

  This book is © 2010 Elder Signs Press, Inc.

  This book is © 2010 Rachel Gray; all rights reserved.

  Cover art © 2010 by Steven Gilberts; all rights reserved.

  Interior illustrations © 2010 by Bryan Reagan; all rights reserved.

  Cover and interior layout by Deborah Jones.

  Edited by William Jones.

  All characters within this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is strictly coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the written persmission of the publisher.

  FIRST EDITION

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Published in October 2010

  ISBN: 1-934501-18-2

  Printed in the U.S.A.

  Published by Elder Signs Press

  P.O. Box 389

  Lake Orion, MI 48361-0389

  www.eldersignspress.com

  For my mother, who taught me how to read,

  and for Jerry, who taught me how to write.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  The author wishes to thank Susanna, Kevin, and Charles, who, as always, came through when they were needed the most. Thanks to the talented artists Steven Gilberts and Bryan Reagan. And a very special thanks to my editor, William Jones. Without your guidance, editing, and advice, this book would never have come to fruition.

  Contents

  INTRODUCTION

  ARKHAM

  DUNWICH

  KNGSPORT

  INNSMOUTH

  PROVIDENCE

  NEW YORK

  OTHER PLACES, OTHER TIMES

  THE ART OF THE MYTHOS

  CRYPTS AND CEMETERIES

  NOT DEAD, BUT DREAMING

  MORE MYTHOS MONSTERS

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET CTHULHU

  CTHULHU QUICK REFERENCE

  Introduction

  Welcome to What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu! This book hopes to serve as a handy guide that will help you navigate through the eldritch world of the Cthulhu Mythos.

  Jammed into this tome is information for all readers—both those who are new, and those unfamiliar with the Cthulhu Mythos. In fact, for readers who are in their Mythos infancy, you may not even know what “Cthulhu Mythos” means, let alone how to pronounce “Cthulhu.” Not a problem! By the time you’re done reading this, you’ll be armed with a cornucopia of delightful facts which you can relate to your friends. After all, everyone wants forewarning of the world’s inevitable destruction at the hands of the Great Cthulhu.

  Or perhaps, you’re already familiar with the Mythos. You’ll still find this tome useful—the Mythos facts loaded in this book make a handy reference, whether you’re trying to answer a trivia question about Wilbur Whateley or simply doing your best to be prepared for the inevitable end of the world.

  Either way, we’ll begin with the question . . .

  SO WHAT IS THIS CTHULHU

  MYTHOS, ANYWAY?

  The Cthulhu Mythos is replete with ancient ideas about the world around us—a world we only think we know and understand. Lurking beneath humanity’s naïve conception of reality is a darker world, one filled with unimaginable creatures, fearsome god-like entities, and untold powers. Comprehending all of this is a herculean undertaking, and usually leaves the one who undertakes the task with a brain transformed into a gooey mess. With that in mind, let’s start with some brain-safe basics:

  In the 1920s, a young writer named H.P. Lovecraft penned several stories and a few novellas that slammed the world into the shadowy face of an alternate universe—a universe which exists around us, and isn’t normally visible to humans without some bumbling about, or the help of weird gadgets.

  Through his illuminating words, H. P. Lovecraft guided readers through the world of the Mythos and the terrible things prowling within its dark recesses. That very well could have been the end of the matter. But Lovecraft took it further—he opened up his stories to other writers, allowing them to expand upon his ideas, what we today call the Cthulhu Mythos. And from there, the Mythos grew, ever so cleverly seeping into popular culture.

  Throughout the years, people have insisted Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos is fiction, and simply jumped out of Lovecraft’s astounding imagination. But the believers amongst us, who have studied the origins of Lovecraft’s writing in great detail can see the truth revealed in his writings.

  Unbeknownst to most readers, Lovecraft was a gifted historian, and a prophet. During his time, he catalogued the dangers dwelling in our world, and predicted the coming of the End Times.

  Proof of Lovecraft’s prophetic nature is apparent once you understand that many of his stories were revealed to him in dreams. Well, some call them dreams, others might call them “visions.”

  A CTHULHU MYTHOS OVERVIEW

  So now you understand the origins of the Cthulhu Mythos. However, summarizing the entire Cthulhu Mythos is difficult and daunting. The breadth of the material has been expanded for decades, and now encompasses an endless range of deities, creatures, and artifacts. But if one were to put it in a nutshell, and we’re going to for now, it would be something like this: The Cthulhu Mythos describes a mysterious world beyond the comprehension of most humans—a world of such cosmic scale, humanity is but an insignificant speck in comparison. This uncanny universe belonging to the Cthulhu Mythos is inhabited by great deities known as Other Gods (sometimes referred to as Outer Gods). All in all, because of humanity’s cosmic insignificance, the Other Gods care little about our comings and goings. If a dim-witted human manages to summon the attention of an Other God, intentionally or otherwise, the consequences are usually horrific for the unlucky sot, and sometimes for the rest of humanity (though to the Other God, it’s less significant than swatting a fly).

  WHAT TO DO WHEN

  YOU PRONOUNCE CTHULHU

  The question often arises: How do I pronounce this bizarre word with way too many consonants? According to H.P. Lovecraft, the origins of the word are definitely not human; however, opinions differ on how to pronounce it. The most common pronunciation is:

  KAH-THOO-LOO.

  Now you try it.

  Gesundheit.

  Have a tissue.

  While you’ll occasionally encounter a person with a different pronunciation (such as a cultist of Cthulhu), know that the way you say Cthulhu is equally valid. After all, the human mouth isn’t capable of correctly uttering this alien sound. Still, we make the best of it.

  So it is safe to say that as long as humanity keeps to itself, threats from the Other Gods remain minimal. Still, a greater terror looms closer to home.

  Long ago, alien creatures known as Great Old Ones descended from the skies to inhabit the Earth. They dominated the planet for many eons, until a mysterious cosmic event forced them underground, and underwater. It’s not clear whether this event was a simple change in climate, or more significant cosmic forces at work. It’s always hard to understand the motives and plans of alien minds. Yet, regardless of the reason, the Great Old Ones relocated underground. Some of these mysterious entities constructed massive cities and civilizations beneath the surface. Others, such as the enormous, tentacled Great Cthulhu, ended up taking a long nap; or, sometimes it is described as slumbering in a state of hibernation—waiting for when the “stars are right”—the time when the Great Old Ones can reclaim the planet as their stomping ground. Was Cthulhu bored, or did he simply need to catch-up on his sleep? While no one is really sure, one thing is certain: When he awakens, things will take a turn for the worse.

  But don’t think that the Cthuhlu Mythos is limited to a giant dreaming
entity. Sure, it is named after Cthulhu, but there is much more within the Cthulhu Mythos. Nasty witches. Time-traveling aliens. And, of course, an abundance of tentacles. We’ll cover all of it in plenty of detail . . . once you’re ready.

  HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

  The best way to use this book is to open it to the first page, read the words, and turn the pages to get to more words (for those fancy eBook things, you access those additional words via a finger swipe or button click. Please refer to the appropriate user’s manual). But, on the off chance you were not looking for that type of instruction, here is another approach to using this book:

  What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu is designed to maximize your Mythos knowledge and increase your ability to defend against the creatures of Lovecraft’s universe. With the aid of this guidebook, you’ll travel to many popular and nefarious Mythos locales: Arkham, Dunwich, Kingsport, and Innsmouth are a few of the favorite destinations. But you’ll also be transported beyond these notable spots. This guidebook will carry you across the sea, around the world, and to the mysterious universe we inhabit during slumber—the Dreamlands. We’ll make stops in multiple realities and dimensions. So many fun things to see and do . . . that is until you go insane. But no need to worry about that now. During your journeys, you’ll encounter the vast array of terrifying creatures and curious personalities occupying the world of the Cthulhu Mythos, and learn how to defeat them—or use them to your advantage.

  The best way to prepare yourself for the Mythos dangers surrounding you today, as well as for the imminent “End of the World” lurking just around the corner, is to absorb this material in an orderly, start-to-finish fashion the first time through (please refer to the first paragraph of this section should you need further details on how to proceed).

  If you’re in a hurry, or you waited until the End Times are already upon you, then try sleeping with the book under your pillow, in which case the knowledge contained within will pass into your mind via osmosis. Warning: Learning though osmosis may cause headaches, drowsiness, insanity, and complete confusion about what was actually supposed to be learned (it works differently for everyone). But, on the upside, it saves reading time (results vary based upon pillow density, quality of sleep, and skull thickness. Osmosis may not be right for you. Always remember to consult a supernatural physiologist before starting osmosis).

  OVER HERE!

  Throughout this book, you will see Mythos information boxes, such as this one. These information boxes contain everything from survival tips, to How-Tos, to quick snippets about H.P. Lovecraft and his Cthulhu Mythos. And, of course, handy information on how to postpone your inevitable destruction at the hands of an overpowering creature you can never hope to defeat.

  Then again, you might not be into the whole end-of-the-world thing. Or maybe you don’t put much stock in the “reality” of the Cthulhu Mythos. Not a problem. This book offers a crash course in Lovecraft’s creations. With the dark knowledge gained from this tome, you’ll possess a new arsenal of quickly-amassed Mythos knowledge for use at parties, guaranteed to astound your friends (and crush your enemies). Or, if you’re not into regurgitating facts at the party scene, this book can be used as a reference as well. It’s filled with handy facts and places of interest. In general, What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu assists anyone, although it is probably more useful for those yearning to visit the lands of Lovecraft’s imagination.

  So what does that mean? The Mythos information in this book provides background and details from Lovecraft’s stories in addition to helpful Mythos survival tips. Not only can you impress all your friends by recounting what happened in “The Shadow Over Innsmouth,” you’ll be able to tell them how to avoid a Deep One attack!

  This wonderfully illustrated and detailed text focuses upon the Cthulhu Mythos stories of H.P. Lovecraft. Though additional authors have further expanded his universe, and may be mentioned or referenced, the bulk of the creatures, items, and places in this guidebook stem from the original visionary himself. And for both the neophyte and the sanity-hardened veteran, that is more than enough knowledge to prepare for the unseen universe folded over our world, and the end of all things—although, the “end of all things” pretty much trumps books, scrolls, and any amount of knowledge. Screaming might be the only option left at that point.

  WILL THIS BOOK REALLY DRIVE ME INSANE?

  If you’re a sharp reader, you might have noticed a few prior references to “going insane” in the previous sections. Or, perhaps a rumor or two found its way to you, filling your head with the fear that knowledge of Cthulhu Mythos affects a person’s sanity. I’d love to assure you this isn’t true. But, unfortunately, it is. General observations have revealed that the greater a person’s knowledge of the Cthulhu Mythos, the crazier you become. But why squabble over aesthetics, or quibble about the depletion of sanity versus knowledge gained. In the grand scheme, a little “craziness” is a minuscule price for such valuable knowledge. Really, that’s the best way to look at it.

  However, it can be argued that too much of a good thing is “not so good.” So, to help protect your mind, the doom-laden facts of this book are wrapped in soft, cottony cushions of light, airy, jolly descriptive goodness. This tactic will help ease you into the concepts contained in this guidebook. Even so, you should understand that no matter how the Mythos is presented, a horrific and destructive end awaits all of us shortly, at the hands (or tentacles) of Cthulhu. A little corrosion of the mind now might even make things appear a touch delightful in the end.

  Best of luck!

  IN SUMMARY . . .

  As you progress through this book, the skills, tools, and knowledge needed to ultimately deal with (or run away from) the great godlike creatures dwelling in the Cthulhu Mythos will be honed. Once you’ve studied enough and fortified your repository of sanity-shattering, brain-bursting knowledge, you’ll be ready to find out What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu!

  Arkham

  He was in the changeless, legend-haunted city of Arkham, with its clustering gambrel roofs that sway and sag over attics where witches hid from the King’s men in the dark, olden years of the Province.

  —H.P. Lovecraft, “Dreams in the Witch House”

  Welcome to the town of Arkham, a city with a long, and strange, history. Nestled upon the Miskatonic River, Arkham is H.P. Lovecraft’s most popular literary location. Not only did Lovecraft often return to Arkham within his tales, it also appears in works by countless authors. Even DC Comics’ favorite character, Batman, was not unfamiliar with Arkham—many of his insane, menacing rivals were said to be housed within the walls of Arkham Asylum—although DC Comics makes it clear that their “Arkham” is not connected to Lovecraft’s “Arkham.” Just a coincidence I guess. Or, in other words, all that Batman nonsense is just crazy-talk. The Arkham Asylum is a place of fiction. Batman’s villainous jokers never set foot in Lovecraft’s Arkham or in its actual asylum—Arkham Sanitarium.

  H.P. Lovecraft’s Arkham was founded in the late 1600s. Arkham is the residence of choice for countless ghouls, witches, horrors unseen, floating colors, and plenty of things far worse—namely college students. Don’t underestimate these critters—one of them managed to reanimate the dead and cause quite a bit of trouble in and about Arkham.

  In any case, if you want to learn how to survive the perils of the Mythos, the best place to start is Arkham. Or, you might be considering enrollment at the town’s pride and joy, Miskatonic University , in which case you’ll still need to consult this chapter if you want to survive four years at such an unusual, and sometimes deadly university . . ..

  MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY

  Like any other college town, Arkham bustles with the innocuous activities of campus life. Football games. Tailgating parties. midterm exams. Periodic monster attacks. When trouble stirs in Arkham, as it often does, Miskatonic is usually at the center of the maelstrom.

  Despite a lengthy history of trouble, the university has gained honor, recognition and prestige
over the years. Although many argue that Miskatonic’s distinction derives from its ill-fated expeditions, unique faculty, students, and mysterious library archives.

  MISKATONIC LIBRARY ARCHIVES

  THE NECRONOMICON

  This world renowned tome is one H.P. Lovecraft’s most famous creations. Mythos fan or not, most everyone has heard about it, and even a few are in search of it as you read this. The Necronomicon, or the “Book of Dead Names,” was penned by the mad Arabic author, Abdul Alhazred. One of the few copies in existence dwells in the Miskatonic University library archives. The book’s contents in its entirety are not known by a solitary human—such a vast mass of Mythos knowledge would pulverize the human brain. But the tome does contain great magic. Powerful spells used to get inside a person’s head. Formulas to summon gods. Descriptions of the great beasts lurking about.

  The Necronomicon, and its variations, appear throughout literature, film and popular culture. It’s no coincidence that the powerful grimoire generating trouble in the Evil Dead movie series is Necronomicon Ex-Mortis. And there is the similarly-titled and equally powerful Book of the Dead in the delightfully Lovecraftian film, The Mummy. When librarian Evelyn Carnahan states “No harm ever came from reading a book,” prior to flipping it open, any Lovecraft fan or scholar knows it’s time to take cover.

  THE BOOK OF EIBON

  Appearing in many Lovecraft tales, the Book of Eibon is attributed to author Clark Ashton Smith, one of Lovecraft’s contemporaries and friends. In this tome, Eibon, a wizard from the ancient, mythical land of Hyperborea, chronicles his lifelong adventures and journeys to distant lands. Eibon discovered powerful magical spells during his travels, recording them in The Book of Eibon. Unfortunately, only tattered fragments of the book remain. It is sometimes referred to as “The Black Book.” Its creation by Smith was a nod to Lovecraft’s Necromonicon.